75 Hard: Day 2 - Derailed Already, Dealing with the Unexpected

 Day two and I failed.

At the end of day one, I had learned my aunt was in the intensive care unit after having a major heart attack. She had coded once, but they were able to revive her. The past year had been rough on her, both medically and emotionally. She had lost her husband, my Uncle Jesse, unexpectedly. Her thirty-three year old son suffered a debilitating stroke that requires him to now be under a nurses care 24/7. His condition, while stable, hasn't improved. All of these things have weighed heavily on my aunt and our whole family. There was some talk that night that she might not pull through, all we could do was pray and leave it in God's hands.

Day two started off strong. I woke up early, got in sixteen ounces of water, checked my messages and my aunt was the same, so I threw on my yoga pants and a tee shirt. My oldest daughter has become my daily walking buddy. We aim for a mile every morning and are planning to get up to two miles a day, fingers crossed. I didn't have much of an appetite that morning, not surprisingly, but I did eat a bowl of oatmeal and finished off my first forty ounces of water. 

Next was tending to the geese and chickens, about an hour of manual labor cleaning up the coop and yard, changing out their water and all the fun chicken-tender duties. Around noon, still not feeling hungry, I forced myself to drink a protein shake with three medium strawberries blended in to jazz it up. Went on to do some house work and by that evening, the news on my aunt was worse. My cousin, her oldest son, had to make the decision on whether or not to keep her on life support. Truth be told, we all were aware of her health problems, but still, she had always pulled through, always.

Thursday night, I didn't make dinner. I sat staring at my phone, waiting to see if by some miracle she would start breathing on her own once they removed the machines. It was 11:45pm when my cousin posted the update, she was gone.

My Aunt Sue and my dad, 2002

Friday morning was rough. I had all kinds of feelings muddled in a pit of my stomach. Anger and guilt, sadness and fear. It had been almost two months since I had talked to my aunt. Most of our talks were through texts and not very long. The last message she had sent me, I never did respond. The feeling of guilt is looming still, especially since I wasn't there to say goodbye, or to support the rest of my family. I was angry at myself for not being there and angry that she had spent so much of her life suffering, in ways most people could never fathom.

My daughter showed up, encouraging me to stick to our morning walk and she was right, it felt good to feel the warmth of the sunlight against my skin. We didn't talk much, we just walked. When she left, she squeezed me extra tight, hearing my phone start to blow up with notifications, it would be a long day.

And then the feeling of fear...

My family history is riddled with heart conditions and diabetes on both sides of the tree. High blood pressure is almost a rite of passage once you turn thirty-five. It's nothing to scoff at like when I was younger - it's a big factor in why I'm trying to change my lifestyle now. I don't want someone to say, "Well, she never did take care of herself..."

Regardless of what genetic factors may or may not play a role in my medical profile - if I can prevent something then it's time to force myself into taking those actions to prevent it. Loosing my aunt is devastating and compiled with the loss of so many of my other relatives over this past decade, it's brought a new urgency to one simple fact I cannot deny, time waits for no one.

Now, I'm taking the next couple of days to reset and I'll restart the challenge Monday. I could've restarted today, but I'm still dealing with scatterbrain. I took most of today (Saturday now) to just clean my house. It's been a bit of a disaster this week. Plus, cleaning helps me cope, always has for some strange reason.

Agreeing to do a challenge such as 75 Hard also means agreeing to prioritize it, no matter what happens. Thinking about it more today, I would have felt better had I done those five simple things. This is hard to admit, but it's the truth. Yes, I need time to grieve, we all do, but had I pushed myself to do my checklist, I truly think it would've prevented me from over dwelling on the "what-ifs". Moving forward, this is a thought I hope resonates continuously within me. 

Of all the things that can happen, loosing a loved one is still something we are never truly prepared for. Even when we know the outlook isn't good, the pain hits just as hard as when it's a tragic event or a drawn out illness. Grief is something everyone experiences differently, I am learning my way of dealing isn't necessarily the healthiest... 

Looking ahead, I have to admit I am nervous, but this is something I have to do, I know it. 

I'll update Tuesday (day after day one, again, already). 

xoxo

Crystal